Sir Ishmael and the Quest for the Holy Grail

When it seems that the world demands to much...

2008-05-14T21:39:00.004-04:00

In order to submit to the will of God, it seems necessary that we learn to tame our own wills. In effect, this means that we must control our own selfishness. Luckily for us, God has worked the perfect training ground into His wonderful creation: our fellow man. It is human nature to want things our own way and to strive for our own good first, but it is through denying our own will for the will of our neighbor that we may eliminate self-love. If we can submit ourselves to the selfish and imperfect will of another flawed human, how much easier does it become to surrender ourselves to the selfless and loving will our our perfect Creator?

We should, therefore, try sincerely to serve the wills of others, regardless of how selfish they may be, as long as we are not thereby led to sin. When this seems too trying we must remind ourselves of what a selfish demand we made of our Lord on Calvary. He became man to love and serve us, and we repaid Him with a crown of thorns, three nails, and a cross.

Simple Blasphemies

2008-05-09T12:30:00.003-04:00

Oftentimes I find myself overwhelmed by the demands of life, by all manner of stress, or just by my own emotional instability, and I find myself saying, "I can't handle this now." What a lie I tell myself or others, depending on who the target of my complaint is at the time. This seemingly simple statement contains within it a multitude of blasphemies.

First, is a denial of the grace of God, for when I say "I can't handle this," I am most assuredly rejecting the grace that God gives us to overcome all trials of this life. He may not give equal grace to all, but He does give everyone grace sufficient.

Secondly, I am outright refusing a trial imposed by God. If all things are subject to His will, whether actively or permissively, than all suffering I may endure is either caused or allowed by God. Who am I to deny that punishment which I so justly deserve for all of the evil I have caused the world. Rather than bemoan the cross imposed on me, I should thank God, both for giving me a chance to be sanctified through trial and for generously replacing my punishment in Purgatory with punishment in this life.

Furthermore, when I say that "I can't handle this now," I am implying that if such a trial were to occur at a different time under different circumstances, I would be more fit to endure it. Perhaps that is not God's plan, though. Perhaps He willed such trials for me now to prepare me for even larger ones to come. It is much better for me to take whatever hardships come my way than to try to circumvent them with excuses, complaints, or by passing the burden. Even if it bears me no fruit in this life, it will most certainly bear fruit for the next

The heart of my quest

2008-05-09T12:20:00.002-04:00

Last night I had finished saying all my formal prayers, and, as is my usual custom, I lay down to sleep while spending some time having an informal chat with God. I didn't really know what to ask Him for or tell Him, but I had been thinking a lot lately about the idea of prayer being a way of life rather than just a brief conversation. So, I tried to express in words what I felt the prayer that fueled my life was. This is what I came up with. It's not very eloquent, but it certainly delighted me to the point of laughter and contentment.

God, I have no idea what to ask you for today,
So I will ask for the deepest yearning of my heart:
Grant, Lord, that I may be with you today in Paradise,
But if it is your will that I should remain here below,
You had better have some darn good work for me to do!

Using the Enemy's weapon against him

2008-05-06T12:21:00.003-04:00

As Christians, we are called to be wary of temptation. The Devil tries to seduce us at all times, seeking to twist even the slightest action to his ends, and giving in to such temptation is a trait of the Spirit of the world. I often find myself feeling guilty for being tempted to sin and even begin to despair when temptation becomes strong and unceasing. But such guilt and despair are just more tricks of the Enemy, for he wishes us to make no distinction between sin and temptation. Until we are glorified in Heaven, however, temptation will remain a part of our human nature. Rather than bemoan this fate, which promises a life of struggle, I see it as an exercise in humility. Every time I am tempted, I am reminded of my own frail humanity and promptly humbled by the infinite superiority of God. Temptation, then, rather than being a gateway to sin, as the Enemy intends, becomes a means of glorifying God and strengthening our own resolve. Every temptation must be met with humility and the firm faith that God always gives us grace sufficient to choose Him.

Today, Lord, I stand before you
Tempted and weak,
And I remember on the cross
The words you did speak:

"My God! My God!
Where have you gone?"
And I know that you too
Have felt all alone.

But you did not step down
And surrender your quest,
And you dealt with your trials
Til in the tomb you did rest.

So then, shall I, Lord,
With confidence inspir'd
Take up my cross
Til with you I've retired.

When the spiritual training wheels come off...

2008-05-05T20:21:00.002-04:00

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. So it is with spiritual consolation. We cannot dare to always hope for pleasant feelings when we pray, for to do so would be making demands of God. Our Heavenly Father knows best, like our earthly father who removes the training wheels from our bike and lets us skin our knees for our own sake. And, if God wishes that our soul remain in darkness and our prayers taste bitter, then we must humbly submit to His will. Do not think, though, that such prayer is fruitless, for is it not written that blessed are they who do not see but still believe. In the same manner, blessed are they who feel no consolation from their prayer yet persevere in it. So, when prayer is dry, we should not look to experience it with our senses, but rather with our faith, which, if grounded in reason, promises us that no prayer goes unheard. And, when our prayer does foster feelings of spiritual consolation, we should take a moment to give thanks for it and prepare ourselves for darker times ahead.

Precious Mother,
Who endured all pains humbly in silence,
Grant that I may imitate thee,
Asking not for good feelings
Nor selfish requests,
But for grace sufficient
To endure the will of God
In quiet joy.

Pass the Salt

2008-04-28T13:57:00.003-04:00

Matthew 5:13 relates these words of Christ: "You are the salt of the earth. But if salt becomes tasteless, what can make it salty again? It is good for nothing and can only be thrown out to be trampled underfoot by men."

As the salt of the Earth, we Christians are called to flavor the world. Without the Church, this world is bland and unappetizing. The work of the Church is to make all creation a worthy offering to the Father through the Son. When we lose our saltiness, our lives are no longer a gift to God. If we cease to season the world with holiness, we become "trampled underfoot by men"--that is, we succumb to the Spirit of the world.

So, with this prayer, I hope to say, "Pass the salt":

O sweet Virgin,
O Mother mine,
O giver of all good things divine,
As salt of the Earth
Do flavor me,
That worthy offering I may be.

--To Jesus through Mary!

Casting off the Spirit of the World

2008-04-28T11:49:00.003-04:00

Today begins my consecration. The first twelve days are devoted to casting off the spirit of the world, which St. Louis de Monfort says is contrary to the spirit of Christ. What this means for me is twelve days of examination of conscience, renouncement of my will, mortification of the flesh, and a constant striving for purity of heart. "This purity" says de Monfort, "is the indispensable condition for contemplating God in Heaven, to see Him on Earth and to know Him by the light of faith." I was wondering just what he meant by this, and then I read the Beatitudes as part of my exercises, and this one stuck out: "Happy the pure of heart: they shall see God."

Mary, sinless virgin and purest of hearts, then, must have lived in a constant contemplation of God--seeing His glory in all of creation.

The Return of Sir Ishmael

2008-04-27T14:05:00.002-04:00

I've been neglecting this thing for a while, but I hope to get back to it. I've been particularly uninspired for the past few months, but I have a feeling that is all about to change. You see, starting on Monday, Apr 28, I will be beginning a 33 day consecration to Jesus through Mary as laid out by St. Louis de Monfort in his book True Devotion to Mary. The 33 days are a preparation working up to the actual day of consecration, which will take place on the celebration of the Visitation, May 31. St. Louis suggests that the consecration take place on any Marian feast day, and seeing as I will be finishing up my current Ignatian Spiritual Exercises on Monday, I thought it'd be a great time to jump into some Monfortian Exercises. And, I was pleased to discover the other day that April 28th just happens to be the Memorial of St. Louis de Monfort. So, I get to celebrate this great Saint's eternal birthday on the same day that I begin to follow in his legacy.

Anyway, I'm hoping that the exercises leading up to my consecration will be very inspiring as I begin to seek a deeper knowledge of myself, our Holy Mother Mary, and our Savior Jesus Christ. In the mean time, however, I strongly suggest to anyone who shares my interest in reaching Heaven, the following works of St. Louis de Monfort: The Secret of Mary, The Secret of the Rosary, and True Devotion to Mary.

Shattered

2008-01-27T11:01:00.000-05:00

How can a child bear his cross?
So innocent and young.
See things he doesn't want,
Feel pains he wants not done.

Who is there to protect him,
To shield him from the pain?
If hurt comes from the ones he loves
How can he love the same?

What is a child to do
When love turns into wrath?
How can he do anything
But stay out of love's path?

Withdrawing from the one he loves,
Rejoicing at its loss.
He's left with emptiness inside--
A void; it is his cross.

He hasn't strength to lift it up,
To carry it through all.
So instead he lets it lean
Upon a crumbling wall--

A wall which he has built up
To keep love from getting in.
Not a wall of brick and stone,
But ugliness and sin.

A wall of good things twisted,
Of sick, deprav'ed thoughts,
And actions with to back them up,
And memories best forgot.

And when that wall finally crumbles,
There lies a shattered boy
Who just wants to love like he's meant to--
To feel happiness and joy.

And when that wall finally crumbles,
There stands a shattered man
With crown of thorns upon his head
And nails pierced through his hands.

With joy he picks up the child's cross,
And with it, takes up the pain.
He once hung on a cross for all,
And would gladly do it again.

Notes
This poem is dedicated to all of those old pains--the ones we felt helpless against and the ones that still poison our lives. Know that there is redemption and healing. We were not alone when we were hurt or when we hurt ourselves; there was a great man being crucified next to us, shielding us in the shadow of His cross.

Renewal

2008-01-27T10:52:00.000-05:00

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.

Father, teach me Chastity;
Grant me the gift of love.
Create in me your purity,
Gift to me your sincerity,
Protect me from the enemy,
That I may know your love.

Christ, untwist the knots in me;
Turn them into your love.
Breathe into me serenity,
Help me exhale your charity,
Shield me in adversity,
That I may feel your love.

Spirit, fill me completely;
Pour unto me your love.
Flow through me entirely,
Spilling to society,
Building me up holily,
That I may show your love.

Cast me not away from your presence, O God.
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me.

Notes
This is a prayer I offer in my ongoing search for chastity. It is about many things, but most importantly, it is a prayer for knowing how to love as God intends.

The Joy of Suffering

2007-08-23T08:52:00.000-04:00

Christ, my brother, in the garden you prayed.
My lips echo the words that you said:

"Lord, if you are willing, take this cup from me.
Still, not my will, but yours be done."

And in your obedience, your fate was sealed.
Within your agony, our sins were healed.

You knew the pain that was yet to come--
The sins that would torture you that our chains be undone.
You stared into the very face of Hell,
And knew, come tomorrow, you'd be there as well.

Still, out of love, you prayed for the strength.
Blood wept from your pores, such was your pain's length,
And joined by an angel, your fear was soothed,
because, for our souls, your heart was moved.

Today, Christ, my brother, I have these woes,
But before your agony, they seem simple foes.
So with joy shall I bear them, for truly I see
That nothing compares, Lord, to your Agony.

Notes
This one was inspired as I prayed the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary. Something I've really been trying to find these days is the joy of suffering. I think it's perhaps the greatest gift that we strive for as Christians. I recently read something about the early days of St. Francis' mission. Shortly after he had found God's calling for him, he was walking out of town when he was accosted by ruffians. As they were beating him, he bore it all with joy, knowing how much more his Lord suffered for him. Lord, give us strength to sing in the rain.

Sins of the Flesh

2007-08-15T14:47:00.000-04:00

Christ, you are my caffeine--
the relief to all my stress,
the fuel for late night study sessions,
my comfort in distress.

Christ, you are the nails I bite
in times of wandering mind,
the compulsive focus of my thought,
the habit of my time.

Christ, you are my cheeseburger--
the object of my gut,
my happiness in troubled days,
the escape from my rut.

Christ, you are my video game--
the filler of my time,
the temptation that nags my soul,
my late night's lullaby.

Christ, you are the lust I feel--
the cure for thankless love,
my company in loneliness,
the time I'm dreaming of.

Notes
I'm just sick of being bogged down and distracted by the things of this world, so today, I say, "Get behind me, Satan! I'm thinking not as man does, but as God. I'm thinking of Christ." And I know that he's cowering beneath the Word of God. Don't let anyone lie to you, the Devil's scared of faith; he's terrified by prayer. If sin is causing you anguish, just say Christ's name. Invoke it's power and the Devil will flee. Remember, Christ said, "In my name, they will drive out demons." Friends, pray for me.

Fading

2007-07-25T02:50:00.000-04:00

I'm fading... I'm fading away,
And I'm searching for the words to say
That I'm fading... I'm fading away--
Into the black.

I'm lonely... I'm lonely today,
And I just want to be loved some way
'Cause I'm lonely... I'm lonely today--
I want to turn back.

I'm trying... I'm trying to say
What I'm feeling inside me can't stay.
Yes I'm trying... I'm trying to say--
I'm under attack.

I'm praying... I'm praying away
All the terror within me today.
Lord, I'm praying... I'm praying away--
And You've got my back.

Be with me

2007-07-16T11:11:00.000-04:00

Be with me, O Lord, as I wander the earth.
Show me, my God, what your death was worth.
The Kingdom of Heaven is already mine,
But live with me fully while I'm passing the time.

Let the things of this world not blind my eye
To the love of the one for my sins who did die.
Remind me, my Christ, that I've nothing to fear,
For even when blind, I know you are here.

Walk with me, Father, holding my hand.
Carry me, Dad, when I cannot stand.
Cry with me, Abba, when I don't know how
To ask you, to beg you, to thank you for now.

This life is hard, Lord, but the next one won't be.
Prepare me for you, Christ, to live eternally.
Show me, I pray, that the Kingdom is here.
Tell me, Daddy, that I've nothing to fear.

Oil

2007-07-13T22:29:00.000-04:00

I am alight,
consumed with the flame.
I know my master,
Jesus his name.

Watched by the Father
I have no fear.
Following the Dove
whose message I hear.

The pain inside me
soothed by love.
My body burns
as my soul does.

Now I know what it means:
"Lord be in my mind, my lips, my heart."
I surrender myself.
Where I end the Spirit starts.

All day long,
my body shakes.
God speaks through me.
My lips tremble and quake.

I was scared before
of doing God's will.
But now I can feel it.
My body can't stay still.

I surrender myself.
Let go and let God.
I hear through His ears.
With the Spirit I bond.

Today I know
past fears were meek.
Will I still remember
when my soul is weak?

Remember now,
how the Spirit did flow.
So next when you trouble,
you surrender your soul.

Everyday read these words,
and you read not your own.
But those that were written
when you gave into the One.

Notes
This one I wrote on a day that I was just filled with the Spirit. I prayed for Wisdom and received it. It was one of the first times that I asked a lot of other people to pray for me, and I really felt the truth of Christ's promise that He will not deny a prayer when two or more are gathered in His name. Everything just fit into place so well that day that I just knew God was leading me. When I tried to get to sleep, I couldn't 'cause my body was still shaking with the Holy Spirit. I knew God wanted me to write something. So I sat up, wrote this prayer, and slept like a baby. I still haven't been as full of God as I was on that day, but I can read this and know that it is re-attainable.

The Spider

2007-07-13T08:28:00.000-04:00

A breeze, the breath of God.
The trees, His ancient children.
Together they dance for me.
Their bones creak, their bodies sway.
There's something the Lord is trying to say.

A fly buzzes in my ear.
What message does he carry?
A spider approaches where I lay.
I am his steward, I shoo him away,
But accidentally--I kill him.

Yet still, the wind moves, the branches talk,
The birds chirp, and the sun shines.
Is is all for me? I don't know.
If I were not here, it would continue, though.
And then, God's message, none would hear.

Coffee Talk

2007-07-12T10:53:00.000-04:00

"Warmth," said the coffee.
"What's that?" said the boy.
"You asked me," said coffee, "why do people enjoy?"

"I don't get it," the boy pondered.
"You're so bitter and dark.
Surely there's another way Dad's day can start."

"Maybe," coffee replied.
"But you're missing the point.
I'm not about taste, or caffeine, or a buzz.
I'm just a warm beverage, wrapped up in a mug."

"You're comfort?" the boy questioned.
"That's it!" cried the mug.
"I see," said the child. "You're just like a hug."

"I guess so," said coffee.
"I never saw it like that.
No wonder you don't like me, you must get me from Dad."

"Not really," frowned the boy.
"I don't think he can."
"So sorry," coffee replied. "You must be a man."

"You think so?" he asked.
"That came a little too quick."
"I'm sad," thought the man. "Coffee'd sure do the trick."

Notes
I wrote this one when I was sitting in Brewed Awakenings (a local coffee shop). I was sitting there drinking coffee when I looked up and saw a collection of semi-modern American poetry sitting on the bookshelf. Moved to browse it, I discovered a poem by Theodore Roethke that really hit me and inspired me to write Coffee Talk. Here is Roethke's work...

My Papa's Waltz

The whiskey on your breath
Could make a small boy dizzy;
But I hung on like death:
Such waltzing was not easy.

We romped until the pans
Slid from the kitchen shelf;
My mother's countenance
Could not unfrown itself.

The hand that held my wrist
Was battered on one knuckle;
At every step you missed
My right ear scraped a buckle.

You beat time on my head
With a palm caked hard by dirt,
Then waltzed me off to bed
Still clinging to your shirt.

With the Father and Son He is Worshiped and Glorified

2007-07-12T10:52:00.000-04:00

Praise the Holy Spirit!
The power of God in us.
Blessed be His name--
The name of Jesus Christ!
Wondrous deeds are His domain--
Every good thing that we do.
All glory and honor to you Lord!
All good things come from you!

Alleluia! Praises be!
God, we let you in.
Your Holy Spirit guides us,
From start unto the end.
He brings the gospel to remembrance--
The Word of God alive!
Made flesh the Son of Man,
By the Spirit did revive!

In Christ's name all wounds are healed,
By the Spirit's power and light.
The wisdom of God, His gift to us
When we ask in faith and right.
Awesome is His power!
Many are His gifts!
Ask for and we shall receive.
To the Lord, our prayers we lift.

Notes
This one is dedicated to the Thomas Moore Oratory bible study group at the University of Delaware. I don't think I necessarily wrote it for them, but I started thinking of them while I was writing it, and a lot of what this prayer says is stuff I learned at that study. Every time I pray this one, I think of you guys and gals at the study.

Another special note-- I wrote this one because I always found myself thanking Jesus for things, and thanking the Father for things, but I always seemed to forget about the Spirit. The Holy Spirit, please excuse my blasphemy, happens to be my favorite person of the Trinity. After all, He's where all the super powers come from. So, I thought this prayer would be a good way to say thanks.

Regretting

2007-07-12T10:38:00.000-04:00

Twenty-two years and nothing to show,
But everything's going good for me now.
Still, I wake, wanting to cry.
Still, I lay, wanting to try.

Sometimes all I can do is regret,
Wondering where all my life was spent.
Sometimes I wonder what I can do
To make up for the years that I turned from you--
To say that I'm sorry for wasting my gifts,
To rediscover all the love that I missed,
To get rid of all this emptiness inside,
To fill it with the love for which you died.

When I lie here worrying what is to come,
When I cry 'cause my sins can't be undone,
I know that it won't help at all
To remind myself of the times I did fall.
What, then, can I do? What can I give?
Just one simple thing, and that is to live.